Give Your Relationship a Fighting Chance: 11 Tips To Fight Fair

If you and your partner have never had an argument, I’d say you’re either lying or you’re very new in your relationship, so just wait. It will happen in one form or another. Sometimes fights aren’t loud at all but can be just as intense. Conflicts are inevitable in real life. And there is nothing wrong with conflict in relationships, so long as you’re keeping it fair.

Hint: Anger Isn’t The Real Issue

It’s also important to understand the following as it relates to a fight: those strong feelings of anger you feel towards the other person are not what I call the “primary emotion” which is usually feeling sad, hurt, or scared. These are more vulnerable emotions and sometimes we get so scared of these emotions that we automatically get triggered and become defensive.

Actually, anger is what I refer to as a “secondary emotion” that serves as a defense against the more vulnerable emotions of feeling hurt, sad, or scared. We actually get angry because we initially feel threatened. Only when we can get to that place of vulnerability between the two of us, can we gain any real understanding and true empathy for the other.

To help you get to a better place when things get heated, here are my Top 11 Ways to Resolve Conflicts. These will help the two of you make it through those tough times we all have, and come out on the other end stronger than before and hopefully closer.

11 Tips To Help Resolve A Conflict

Following these tips can dramatically increase the chances that you will both come out on the other end stronger than before and hopefully closer, if not always in agreement, at least in understanding.

1) Schedule the Fight.

Many fights appear to happen spontaneously and seem to come out of nowhere and with little or no warning. At other times, you may know when something is bothering you. If that’s the case and you feel the need to talk about it long before your emotions erupt, simply give your partner a heads up. Ask him/her when is a good time to discuss the issue would be. Then get it on the calendar. It could be in 30 minutes, later in the day, or over the weekend.

This time lag gives you both a better opportunity to enter the conversation at a time when you’re not tired, drunk, hungry or distracted. You’ve both had time to think about the issue at hand and can come to the table with level heads and give it your full attention.

2) Don’t Make A Major Life Decision During A Fight.

I really cannot emphasize this point too strongly. I’ve seen the ugly result of people ending a relationship in the middle of a fight and the human debris in the wake of a hasty decision. Unless you are in a domestic violence situation and your immediate safety is an issue, don’t make any decision to leave. Decisions made in the heat of battle are usually not well thought out and can do real damage.

3) Don’t Keep Score.

Only discuss the issue you’ve scheduled; if something else comes up, table it for another time. Bringing up old stuff or laying out more than two or three examples will make your partner respond defensively and that’s when things heat up. Stay on topic and stay in the present.

4) Allow for “Time Outs.”

Any ‘How I Met Your Mother’ fans here? Remember, Lilly and Marshall? When they were having fights and things got too heated they would call a “time out” and resume the argument at a later time. This is absolutely acceptable. When emotions run high for too long, we are more likely to just throw in the towel and say whatever it takes to end the fight, or worse, say something we don’t mean in very hurtful ways. If you don’t take a time out, you might strike out at your partner by saying something that would do damage. So, yes, upon occasion, it’s ok to go to bed upset. Sleep on it. Calm down. Sober up. Just remember, before you call the break, schedule a time to return to the issue (Refer to #1).

Remember this critical tip: if things get too heated, you need to have made an agreement with each other, IN ADVANCE, that you are going to walk away until both of you have calmed done. Not taking a time out in the heat of the moment, can lead to saying things where one or both of you are "hitting below the belt". You want to avoid this at all costs.The advantage of agreeing to take a time-out in advance, is that by walking away you won't be escalating the argument and wind up saying or doing something that could result long-term and possible irreparable damage to your relationship." In these situations, it's not cowardly to take the time out. The opposite is usually true. It's the smart play.

5) Fight to learn, not to win.

You have to ask yourself a question: is it more important to be close to my partner, or is it more important for me to win. I’m not saying that you should sell your soul for what I call a “false makeup” to a fight. What I am saying, is that if you value being right more than you value being close, then there are likely other issues that you may need help with.

Hint: If you find yourself wanting to win so badly that you are hitting the other person “below the belt”, then you are likely causing not just emotional pain for them but it is likely that you are actually doing damage to that person.

Powerful words that can actually cause damage often relate to someone’s physical appearance, sexual performance, a financial reversal that was out of their control, or anything else that can cause the other person to feel deeply hurt, humiliated and ashamed. If your tone is particularly nasty, the damage will likely be even greater.In order to prevent damage, set the following intention before any fight with anyone in your life: “No matter how angry I become, I refuse to hit them below the belt in any way that could really damage their self-esteem.”

And remember this: if you fight to win, that means your partner loses— and we’re not keeping score, remember? Use the argument to learn and grow in your relationship. You cannot change your partner, only yourself. So keep the goal focused on learning why your partner continues that annoying habit, rather than on changing it.

If you’re not sure what’s motivating you in a fight, ask yourself: “What’s more important right now: being right or being close?” Sometimes the initial answer may not be obvious. That’s part of learning how to argue.

6) Keep Your Fights Behind Closed Doors.

What you and your partner fight about is between you and them— no one else. This is important for so many reasons, namely maintaining trust in your relationship. If your partner fears you’ll be blabbing to your friends/family about something (especially on social media), they will start to hold back and create distance.

Furthermore, while you’re out telling the town about your fights, you’re painting a picture of your relationship for everyone— is it one you want them to see? Now, this doesn’t mean keep everything bottled up between you two; just be selective about what and how much you’re telling and to whom. And, of course, be aware of your intention: are you trying to get others to take sides? Are you giving a balanced view?

7) Talk for Yourself and Let Your Partner Talk for Themselves.

Try focusing on your experience before, during, and after a fight. You’ve probably heard this before: it’s best to use “I” statements when fighting with your partner. “I feel…,” “I think…” instead of “You always…” or “You never…” Acknowledge your feelings and theirs by repeating back to your partner what you just heard them say. “I” statements help keep your defensiveness at bay and still get your feelings across.We all want to be heard. If you have the presence of mind to do this, agree with each other that both of you will each get at least five minutes at some point in the fight where just one of you speaks about what is happening for you. The person who is listening waits for the first person to speak, and then repeats back what they think they heard. Doing this may likely help clarify any misunderstandings. Then reverse the process and the person who was the first listener, gets to speak.

Remember: the idea is not necessarily to agree or disagree. The idea is for each of you to be heard without judging the other person. It’s about creating safety and trust between the two of you when you do disagree or have a major misunderstanding.

8) Compromise

You know how to push your partner’s buttons. You know what really sets them off and what they are insecure about. Bringing it up might end the fight really quickly (notice, I didn’t say “positively”). Those items have no business in your argument. In fact, it’s a sure fire way to escalate the fight immediately. Take the high road instead and when it’s time to make a compromise, be the first to make a concession.

9) Leave the Kids Out of It.

If there are children in the marriage, absolutely never make threats regarding the kids— “I’ll take the kids, you’ll never see them again.” Furthermore, if a fight starts in front of the kids, that’s ok. Just be sure to resolve it in front of them, too. This way your children see there is a healthy way to argue with people you love.

10) Set Your Own Rules.

This list is a great start, but you’ll want to set some rules that are specific to you and your partner. Maybe you set a time limit for each person to talk and say what they need to say before you move on to the compromise stage. Maybe you agree that once you’ve reached your compromise, you’ll try it for a week and schedule another time to see if it’s working.

11) Ask for Help.

If you feel like you and your partner can’t fight fair or that you are but you’re not getting the resolution you are seeking, you may be feeling stuck. That happens in the best of relationships. If you’re feeling like you’ve tried everything and your relationship needs some help, simply ask for some professional advice. I help couples navigate conflict regularly. You’re not alone. You’re human. We all need help throughout our lives so reach out!