Search Results for: relationship issues

7 Relationship Conversations for the Next COVID Challenges

June 7, 2020 by Gary Brown 2 Comments

So far, you’ve made it through quarantining together. Congratulations. Hopefully you both have taken the time to acknowledge that you faced adversity together and you’re coming out on the other side. Being together at home for that amount of time and sharing your space is no easy feat and you should be proud of your relationship perseverance.

…but we’re not totally out of the relationship woods yet!

As different cities and states around the US are moving into Phase 3 (and more) of re-opening and the potential second wave of COVID-19 potentially looming, there’s likely a whole other level to navigate in your relationship.

Here are 7 conversations to have with your partner to get in front of the next coronavirus challenges and potential pitfalls. Consider these an opportunity to strengthen the good groundwork you laid when you first went into quarantine together.

These may be great dinner conversations and ways to navigate the “what’s next” in these unusual times.

1. Acknowledge the stress that you’ve both experienced

There are a number of stressors that may have come up during quarantine: the sense of loss of a job or a social life, financial strain, feeling constrained, differing political beliefs, managing children at home on top of work responsibilities, etc. The list could go on and on.

Take stock of the recent time that you have been together and discuss how to better move through the tough times. Discuss what worked, what didn’t work, what could have been better. Meet this conversation with great kindness and compassion for yourself and each other. Apologies may be in order.

Give each other space for whatever the other is feeling and validate each other’s feelings. Deeply listen to what they have to say.

Open and honest communication is healthy for lasting relationships. But getting through some of those conflicts takes empathy, trust, and most of all kindness to each other.

2. Navigate your fears and concerns

In addition to acknowledging the stress, it could also be a good exercise to individually list your fears and concerns then come together and discuss. Again, this conversation takes empathy, trust and kindness. So set some ground rules about how to care for each other before you begin. Listen deeply and be sure to acknowledge each other’s thoughts, feelings, and validate each other’s fears and concerns. Some examples may be:

Fear of the virus itself
Uncertainty about the future
You want to wear a mask and your partner doesn’t in public
Your city is opening – you want to get out there and your partner says they are not ready to go out
You really miss your parents and want to see them
Concerns about traveling

3. Evaluate how you’re both coping

Research studies clearly indicate that one of our basic coping mechanisms is the biological need for physical and emotional connection. That basic need doesn’t go away when we can’t get it if your partner isn’t into the hugs and cuddles in general, then an opportunity to bridge that gap between the two of you may be possible.

In short, do you find that you are hungry for physical connection? Can you get it from the people that you are living with? Be sure to express what you would like to have happen. Maybe your partner is unaware (or needs to be reminded) of your need for physical connection.

Another area to understand is to recognize what your styles are. Are you or your partner naturally an introvert? If so, one of you may really have enjoyed the time in isolation and less exposure to people. However, if one or both of you are an extrovert, then the time in quarantine may have taken its toll on you and your relationship.

There are creative ways to get these needs met and discuss what works for you both.

I know many people have engaged technology for social time. Some ways of addressing getting social needs met are Facetime family calls, Google Hangout Happy Hours, and Zoom dinner parties with another couple.

Another way to evaluate how your coping is to make sure you check in with each other for at least 10 minutes a day. Ask your partner open-ended questions like:

“I know things are tough right now, is there anything I can do to make it easier?”
“What’s your day been like?”
“Tell me more about what’s going on”
“What do you need right now?”
“What don’t you need right now?”
“How is that for you?”

4. Start with “Thank you!”

It’s important to acknowledge the positive aspects of your relationship, especially in light of the challenging times that we are in.

Were there any moments that you were particularly grateful for in the past months where your partner helped you get over an emotional or financial hurdle? Did they do anything in particular to help share the stress, balance the responsibilities at home, give you the space you needed, etc?

Expressing gratitude for your partner regularly, and particularly now after going through (literally) a global challenge together, is one way to deepen your loving relationship.

It would not be uncommon that during the first few months of quarantine, you were faced with feelings of depression and anxiety. Being present to the good things in your life can help counteract the downward spiral that is common when we focus on our negative feelings.

However, when we focus on the things we are grateful for, the positive feelings and experiences that we have shared with our partner, it can dramatically help to improve our outlook and lighten the mood.

Not feeling it?

Maybe there were too many bumps in the road during early quarantine that you just can’t find the things to feel thankful for. Lack of felt and expressed gratitude is one of the main reasons I’ve seen relationships falter and often fail because one or both partners took the other for granted.

At the very least, hopefully you made it through quarantine together and you learned a lot about each other. That’s at least one thing that you can share that you’re gratitude for.

Expressing gratitude without expectation is always a good idea. So if you are going to share the things with your partner that you’re grateful for, do it in a way that they can best receive it. Consider your partner’s love language or simply ask, “What is the best way I can express my love and gratitude for you?”

If you can offer your thankfulness in a special way, bonus points for you. It doesn’t have to be a production, but unexpressed gratitude doesn’t do anybody any good. Maybe you can express it in a love note, do something unexpected or buy a thoughtful gift. The most important thing is that we feel and express gratitude for our partner’s presence in our lives.

5. Foster kindness

Of course, if you’ve gotten this far, you’ve likely had one or more opportunity to maneuver through issues of territoriality and seen how you and your partner deal with stress. Did you learn who had the most patience or the shorter fuse? Did this quarantine experience bring you closer together or do you feel more withdrawn from each other?

Kindness may seem like a simple thing to do, but under stressful situations, it may be the hardest thing to offer in your relationship. To create an enduring and mature love, it’s important to learn the ways of thinking and behaving together that teach us how to receive and express love to each other.

Kindness is one of the most powerful and strongest foundations of love and intimacy. Sometimes a simple touch or word of comfort can be just enough to help someone begin to get through a troubling moment in time.

6. Nurture self-care

Being in quarantine is a lot of together time. Were you able to carve out some “me time”?

Make sure in your conversations with your partner that both of you are able to build in time for self-care. Whatever that looks like now as things are starting to open up and hopefully some places like spas and salons are operating safely. Creating this time is particularly important if children are involved or looking after aging parents.

At the very least, schedule each day to maintain your sanity. Every little bit of alone time counts including quiet for meditation, a walk around the block or an isolated corner to read for 20 minutes.

Make sure that both you and your partner take care of yourselves in this way. Be sure to inquire what your partner needs and how you can support them as well.

7. Moving forward in your relationship and community

Have you both discussed how you would like to move forward in your relationship and community?

Are you both comfortable in the following scenarios?

Going out to eat with friends or family?
Going to a bar or nightclub together or alone with friends?
Going on summer vacation – what does that look like now?
Wearing masks or not during driveway gatherings/block parties?
What about traveling to see family?
What about going back to work?
How will going back to work happen if you have children?

It’s wise to get everything on the table to discuss where your boundaries are and what works/doesn’t work for you both.

Additionally, we’ve all been isolated and I know in my community, it’s been a great gift to start to see more people out and about together.

If you don’t know your neighbors, take a walk up and down your street. This can be a big one in terms of reducing the sense of isolation. We’ve all been living separate lives. But now’s your chance to help create a sense of community.

If you are choosing not to start meeting with friends or family in large groups, another way you can start to branch out is re-establish connections with people that you would usually socialize with. Schedule one to two Zoom or Facetime calls a week with people you would like to reconnect with.

Looking forward to more freedom!

So many clients, friends, and family members have asked for my guidance about what to look forward to. What I recommend is to make a few lists of things you’d like to experience when we are more free.

It may help to break things up into distinct periods. Where would you like to be in 3 months, six months, a year, five years? Having things to look forward to can help us endure the deprivation we’ve experienced since we’ve been sheltering in place.

You might also want to have two separate lists for each of you to include things you want to do as individuals and as a couple.

It is important to keep up our hopes, wishes, dreams, and desires in our minds when we are confined. You can also help each other as you create your lists.

If one or both of you are finding all of this to be a challenge, that’s quite ok. Many couples are struggling with these issues right now. Try reaching out to friends and family for support. In addition, you always have the option to reach out to a counselor in the area. Many are now doing telehealth via phone or online video sessions.

I hope that this article was helpful. Please feel free and encouraged to contact me if I can be of any assistance. I would be more than happy to offer you a free 15-minute phone consultation to see if I am a good fit for what you are looking for.

12 Signs That You May Not Be Ready for a Serious Relationship…and That’s Okay

October 30, 2018 by Gary Brown 3 Comments

A good relationship can be hard to find. And it’s okay to be picky or not ready. And maybe online dating isn’t your scene.

While your mom or your well-intended friends keep trying to set you up, maybe you’re just not ready for a serious relationship. Or maybe the idea of settling down is scary or just unappealing right now.

And that’s okay.

Here are a dozen signs that you may not be currently ready for a serious relationship.

You’re not over your last relationship

Sometimes breakups can be really hard and it may not be as easy to move on as you would have thought. Entering into a new relationship when you’re on the rebound can often lead to even more heartache. Here are some tips to help you get over your ex and get on with your life.

It’s important to remember that there is no exact timeline for moving on. So be patient and kind to yourself. Reach out to others for support. Doing this will help you to grieve, move on, and help prepare you for the time when you actually are ready for a serious relationship.

You’re fine on your own

Some people really like solitude and being alone. Silence is a gift and may be what keeps your sanity in check. Why spoil it?

You also may not want to give up your quiet time, privacy or taking up the whole bed when you sleep. If you don’t feel like dating, then don’t. Listen to your instincts. You don’t have to do the dating game if you don’t want to.

And maybe you’re lightly dating someone who wants to take it to the next level. If you can’t commit 100%, then don’t. You owe it to yourself and others not to get in too deep.

You’re having fun!

If you’re dating and having fun, then do it! There’s no need for personal, peer or family pressure for you to get into a relationship right now. There’s no schedule that you need to be on with relationships. If you’re not feeling it, don’t force it.

If keeping it light and breezy and loving the variety of people you’re seeing is how you want to be right now, then good for you.

On the other hand, if that’s all you ever do, you may want to ask yourself if there is something that you are avoiding or if possibly you have trust issues or a commitment phobia. If those kinds of questions keep lingering you may want to take some time to address these questions with a professional.

There are things you want to work on about yourself

Maybe there’s some deep-dive work that you want to do, face some fears or areas of your past that still get in your way of happiness. Congratulations on making yourself a priority.

Get the help you need. Find the support you need to move past your anxiety, depression or a broken heart.

Take the time you need to work on yourself. Your personal development makes you better equipped to be in a partnership with someone worthy of you (and helps you be able to tell the difference!).

You want to focus on other parts of your life right now

If you want to buckle down and dedicate more time for your health, career, family, education, etc. and really dedicate your time to focus, then do it.

Dating and relationships take time and maybe that’s not yours to give because you’ve decided to shift your priorities to something different for now. Good for you!

You and your potential partner will have a stronger relationship when you can give them the attention they deserve.

You aren’t sure what you really want in a relationship

This is one of the more common issues that so many people struggle with. Perhaps you’ve never been in a relationship and you really don’t know. Or, the opposite may be true. You’ve been in several relationships and they ended for reasons that may be known or unknown. Either way, you genuinely feel confused.

That’s completely ok. This is also a good time to really think about what you want and, as importantly, what you don’t want in a relationship. It’s a lot better to know as much about yourself as possible in terms of your wants and needs before you enter into another relationship. Of course, you don’t need to know all the answers about what you want and don’t want but it sure is good to know what your basic “must haves” are.

You suffer from “wandering eye syndrome”

If you find yourself constantly looking at others when you are already with someone, that may be a sign that you are not really serious about the person you are with.

It’s one thing to casually see and admire others you find attractive. That’s quite normal. It’s another thing if you find yourself leering at them.

Plus, it’s rude.

They are not The One

It’s easy to get swept up in dating, having fun, feeling like falling in love. But is this really the person you want to get serious with?

If you’re trying to decide are they or aren’t they The One, here are some things to consider. But if the relationship really is moving in the right direction, but if you’re second guessing yourself, read this.

I want to dispel the myth that there is only “one” right person for each of us. Given that there are over 7 billion of us on the planet, I’d say that there are quite a number of people whose path we will cross in our lives, any one of which could be a very good fit for us.

You suffer from extreme narcissism

Being in a serious loving relationship means that we are interested in not only having our own needs met but that we are also emotionally invested and motivated to want to take care of our SO.

If you find yourself always preoccupied with your own needs, it is likely that you have difficulty feeling empathy for others. You may be suffering from debilitating narcissism. There are any number of reasons for this.

Perhaps you’ve been abandoned in your life or were told that you were literally the “most important person in the world” by others who were well-meaning. And now, it’s all about you. If that’s the case, you likely aren’t truly ready to be in a partnership with someone else.

You suffer from one or more forms of substance abuse

A surefire way to know that you are not ready for a committed relationship is that you suffer from one or more addictions. It could be alcohol, cocaine, excessive use of weed. You name it.

If you are using to the point that it is impacting your ability to function at home, at work, in social situations, or in school, it is likely that you are self-medicating for any number of reasons.

If you find yourself in this situation, it’s ok. Just make sure that you are getting some help with this. Trying to be in a relationship when you can function due to substance abuse is like trying to swim against a rapidly moving tide that is only going to take you further out to sea.

You have relationship fears

Most of us have certain hopes, wishes, and dreams we have when thinking about our ideal relationship. And we also have certain fears – totally normal fears – about being in a relationship as well.

Quite often our fears revolve around fear of abandonment, fears that we won’t get our needs met, and possibly fears about not feeling good enough. Sometimes our fears can paralyze us and inhibit our ability to establish, sustain, and grow in a relationship.

If that is the case, don’t spend time criticizing yourself because you are fearful. Instead, take the time and get help from family and friends to help you understand why your fear may be inhibiting intimacy.

Feeling the pressure to commit

If you find that you are the last one of your group to get married (or at the very least get more serious), you may be feeling the pressure to commit. Peer pressure is never a good idea and it’s certainly not going to help your relationship to take it to the next level if you’re not ready.

It’s worth repeating: there is no timetable for you or anyone when it comes to relationships. Learning to be comfortable on your own is a valuable lesson. Too few people take time to invest in themselves and learn to discover what they want or don’t want in a partner.

Rather, all too often we fall in love, get swept up in the relationship, sometimes lose track of ourselves, follow the typical patterns of dating, cohabitating, marriage and then wonder, “How did I get here?”

So, if you’re not feeling like you’re ready for a serious relationship, trust your instincts. You’ll be better in the long run for it and, both you and the partner you choose to be with can reap the rewards!

love, relationship, couple, marriage, commitment, Dr. Gary Brown, Los Angeles therapist, individual therapy, relationship therapy, DrGaryLATherapist

Photo Credit – Sarah Sharp

I hope that you have found this article helpful. If you want to explore some of the topics mentioned in this article, I’m available for a free 15-minute consultation to see if we would like to work together. I also may be able to provide a valuable resource for you. I have helped hundreds of people find more happiness and love in their lives.

Give Your Relationship a Fighting Chance: 23 Tips to Fight Fair and Effectively

May 1, 2018 by Gary Brown 4 Comments

It goes without saying that even in the best of relationships, that there are going to be the inevitable conflicts. This is perfectly normal and natural.

Sometimes our disagreements with each other can escalate into arguments, and we experience intense hurt, scared, and angry thoughts and emotions.

When discussions turn into full-on arguments, is where things can get more than painful – we can actually do damage to each other. That is why it is so incredibly important to learn how to fight fairly.

It’s also important to know your particular fighting style. Do you tend to avoid conflict altogether even if it means selling yourself short? Is even the idea of a disagreement so painful that you sit in silence or quietly withdraw, even though you are suffering because nothing has been resolved?

Or do you declare all-out thermonuclear war as a way of intimidating and dominating someone, just so that you can get “the win”?

Either way, if you give up too easily or wage war, things are probably not going too well for you right now. There are other ways that couples can use that are healthier where both of you can win.

Learning how to fight fairly can not only help you and your partner resolve conflicts in a healthy way, it can actually help each of your expand your ability to love and respect one another. So, let’s start with what some of the typical issues are that arise in a fight.

What is the real issue when we fight?

Hint: Anger isn’t the real issue.

It’s also important to understand the following as it relates to a fight: those strong feelings of anger you feel towards the other person are not what I call the “primary emotions,” which is usually feeling sad, hurt, or scared. These are more vulnerable emotions and sometimes we get so scared of these emotions that we automatically get triggered and become defensive.

Actually, anger is what I refer to as a “secondary emotion” that serves as a defense against the more vulnerable emotions of feeling hurt, sad, or scared. We actually get angry because we initially feel threatened. Only when we can get to that place of vulnerability between the two of us, can we gain any real understanding and true empathy for the other.

To help you get to a better place when things get heated, here are my Top 23 Ways to Resolve Conflicts.

The end goal is to turn an argument into a discussion – and a discussion that hopefully leads to a resolution that you can both feel good about.

23 Tips to Help Resolve a Conflict

Following these tips can dramatically increase the chances that you will both come out on the other end stronger than before and hopefully closer, if not always in agreement, at least in understanding.

1. Focus on one issue at a time

If you want to improve your chances of resolving a conflict, most people find that their odds of a satisfying outcome are significantly enhanced if you can stick to just one issue at a time.

Here are some typical questions to ask yourself that can help you get some clarity with all of this:

“What is bothering me right now?”

“Why is this important to me?”

“Why is this issue coming to a head now?”

“What am I hoping to accomplish?”

“What is my goal? What resolution can I accept…and what is not acceptable?”

“What am I willing to compromise on?”

Of course, sometimes we build up a critical mass because we have held on to many complaints, only to bring them all up at the same time. This can happen to any of us. If you are having an argument, have an agreement between the two of you that you are going to tackle one issue at a time.

Agree to move on only after you have both come to as much resolution as possible on the first issue. If you can’t resolve one issue, simply acknowledge that – table it for now – and move on to the next issue if there are more than one you are trying to deal with.

2. Schedule the fight

Many fights appear to happen spontaneously and seem to come out of nowhere and with little or no warning. At other times, you may know when something is bothering you.

If that’s the case and you feel the need to talk about it long before your emotions erupt, simply give your partner a heads up. Ask him/her, when is a good time to discuss the issue. Then get it on the calendar. It could be in 30 minutes, later in the day, or over the weekend.

This time lag gives you both a better opportunity to enter the conversation at a time when you’re not tired, drunk, hungry or distracted. You’ve both had time to think about the issue at hand and can come to the table with level heads and give it your full attention.

3. One person at a time

If your true goal is to resolve conflict, it’s absolutely vital that both of you feel heard. The best way to do that is to agree that each person gets to speak – uninterrupted – no matter how intense the feelings on either side.

Agreeing that each of you speaks one at a time, will help each of you to feel heard. This is vital to not only helping you resolve your conflicts and is just a smart thing to do every time you and your partner interact on a daily basis.

Almost all couples find that doing this can actually help prevent an argument, or at the very least, lessen the impact.

4. Don’t make a major life decision during a fight

I really cannot emphasize this point too strongly. I’ve seen the ugly result of people ending a relationship in the middle of a fight and the human debris in the wake of a hasty decision.

Unless you are in a domestic violence situation and your immediate safety is an issue, don’t make any decision to leave. Decisions made in the heat of battle are usually not well thought out and can do real damage.

5. Don’t keep score

Only discuss the issue you’ve scheduled; if something else comes up, table it for another time. Bringing up old stuff or laying out more than two or three examples will make your partner respond defensively and that’s when things heat up. Stay on topic and stay in the present.

6. Allow for “Time Outs”

Any ‘How I Met Your Mother’ fans here? Remember, Lilly and Marshall? When they were having fights and things got too heated they would call a “time out” and resume the argument at a later time. This is absolutely acceptable.

When emotions run high for too long, we are more likely to just throw in the towel and say whatever it takes to end the fight, or worse, say something we don’t mean in very hurtful ways. If you don’t take a timeout, you might strike out at your partner by saying something that would do damage.

So, yes, upon occasion, it’s ok to go to bed upset. Sleep on it. Calm down. Sober up. Just remember, before you call the break, schedule a time to return to the issue you have agreed to focus on.

Remember this critical tip: If things get too heated, ideally you need to have made an agreement with each other, IN ADVANCE, that you are going to walk away until both of you have calmed done.

It can be as simple as agreeing to go in separate rooms to give yourselves some time and a wall between you, to help the cooling off process. Not taking a timeout in the heat of the moment, can lead to saying things where one or both of you are “hitting below the belt.” You want to avoid this at all costs.

The advantage of agreeing to take a timeout IN ADVANCE is that by walking away you won’t be escalating the argument and wind up saying or doing something that could result in long-term and possibly irreparable damage to your relationship.
In these situations, taking a timeout to cool off, is not cowardly. The opposite is usually true. It’s the smart play.

7. Fight to learn, not to win

You have to ask yourself a question, “Is it more important to be close to my partner or is it more important for me to win?” I’m not saying that you should sell your soul for what I call a “false makeup” to a fight. What I am saying, is that if you value being right more than you value being close, then there are likely other issues that you may need help with.

And remember this: if you fight to win, that means your partner loses — and we’re not keeping score, remember? Use the argument to learn and grow in your relationship. You cannot change your partner, only yourself. So, keep the goal focused on learning why your partner continues that annoying habit, rather than on changing it.

If you’re not sure what’s motivating you in a fight, ask yourself, “What’s more important right now: being right or being close?” Sometimes the initial answer may not be obvious. That’s part of learning how to argue.

8. Don’t hit below the belt

If you find yourself wanting to win so badly that you are hitting the other person “below the belt,” then you are likely causing not just emotional pain for them, but it is likely that you are actually doing damage to that person.

Powerful words that can actually cause damage often relate to someone’s physical appearance, sexual performance, a financial reversal that was out of their control, or anything else that can cause the other person to feel deeply hurt, humiliated and ashamed. If your tone is particularly nasty, the damage will likely be even greater.

In order to prevent damage, set the following intention before any fight with anyone in your life: No matter how angry I become, I refuse to hit them below the belt in any way that could really damage their self-esteem.

9. Actually, no hitting at all

Both of you simply have to agree that no matter how bad things are, no matter how physical you are feeling, you simply are not going to use physical violence…ever.

10. Keep your fights behind closed doors

What you and your partner fight about is between you and them — no one else. This is important for so many reasons, namely maintaining trust in your relationship. If your partner fears you’ll be blabbing to your friends/family about something (especially on social media), they will start to hold back and create distance.

Furthermore, while you’re out telling the town about your fights, you’re painting a picture of your relationship for everyone — is it one you want them to see? Now, this doesn’t mean keep everything bottled up between you two; just be selective about what and how much you’re telling and to whom. And, of course, be aware of your intention. Are you trying to get others to take sides? Are you giving a balanced view?

11. Talk only for yourself and let your partner talk for themselves

Try focusing on your experience before, during, and after a fight. You’ve probably heard this before: it’s best to use “I” statements when fighting with your partner. “I feel…,” “I think…” instead of “You always…” or “You never…” Acknowledge your feelings and theirs by repeating back to your partner what you just heard them say. “I” statements help keep your defensiveness at bay and still get your feelings across.

We all want to be heard. If you have the presence of mind to do this, agree with each other that both of you will each get at least five minutes at some point in the fight where just one of you speaks about what is happening for you.

The person who is listening waits for the first person to speak, and then repeats back what they think they heard. Saying: “Did I hear you right when you said…?” Asking this simple question may likely help clarify any misunderstandings.

Once the first person speaks, then reverse the process and the person who was the first listener, now gets to speak. It’s important to remember not to interrupt the other person.

Remember: the idea is not necessarily to initially agree or disagree. The idea is for each of you to be heard without judging the other person. It’s about creating safety and trust between the two of you when you do disagree or have a major misunderstanding.

12. Keep it out of the bedroom

Your bedroom is predominantly for three things: a refuge, for sleep, and romance.

Treat your bedroom as a sacred place. Period. If your partner insists, just say “No. Not here.”

13. Compromise but don’t sell out your “must haves”

You know how to push your partner’s buttons. You know what really sets them off and what they are insecure about. Bringing it up might end the fight really quickly (notice, I didn’t say “positively”). Those items have no business in your argument. In fact, it’s a sure-fire way to escalate the fight immediately. Take the high road instead and when it’s time to make a compromise, be the first to make a concession.

14. Leave your kids out of it

The wisest thing to do is to keep your kids out of the crossfire.

If there are children in your relationship, absolutely never make any major decisions in front of the kids, and never ever make threats regarding the kids: e.g. “I’ll take the kids, and you’ll never see them again.”

Furthermore, if a spontaneous fight starts in front of the kids, they need to see that the fight has been resolved.

If you weren’t able to avoid the impulses of the moment, and you find yourself fighting in front of your kids, just be sure to resolve it in front of them, too. This way your children see there is a healthy way to argue with people you love.

15. An old-school tip

There’s an old saying that so many couples I work with have found very helpful for the vast majority of fights. It’s this: “Never go to bed angry.”

Maybe you can’t fully embrace each other but at least try to touch your toes. It can be a nice ice-breaker.

16. Set Your Own Rules

This list can be a great start, but you may also want to set some rules that are specific to you and your partner. Maybe you set a time limit for each person to talk and say what they need to say before you move on to the compromise stage. Maybe you agree that once you’ve reached your compromise, you’ll try it for a week and schedule another time to see if it’s working. Try experimenting with different approaches and see what works for you.

17. Ask for Help

If you feel like you and your partner can’t fight fair or that you are but you’re not getting the resolution you are seeking, you may be feeling stuck. This happens in the best of relationships. If you’re feeling like you’ve tried everything, and your relationship needs some help, simply ask for some professional advice. Of course, you don’t want to get into a situation where your relationship becomes toxic or continues to stay toxic.

18. Time alone does not always heal all wounds

The longer you wait to resolve a fight, the more likely that hurt feelings can turn into resentment, and even bitterness. We call this “gunny-sacking.” This is when you begin to store up unresolved arguments and emotionally carry them like a sack over your shoulder.

Over time, gunny-sacking acts like rust on your relationship. And in the immortal words of Neil Young, “…rust never sleeps.” It just silently corrodes your relationship.

The sooner you try to resolve your conflict, the quicker the two of you can get some understanding of what happened, and truly move on.

19. No texting while fighting!

It may be tempting in the heat of battle to try and resolve an argument via texting. My strongest advice would be to NOT try this. Why? Because there’s just way too much room for misunderstanding when trying to resolve an argument using text.

The smart move is to flat out refuse to fight over text. Instead, tell your partner that you are setting a boundary here and that you will deal with this in person, or at the very least, on the phone. That way you can at least hear the tone of their voice which is impossible to do over text.

Refuse to fight over text. Ask your partner to make an agreement that neither of you will initiate or respond to a fight over text.

In the end, it is more likely that both of you will be thankful that you communicated with each other more personally.

20. Don’t take it to social media

If you really want to do some serious damage to your partner – and also have it boomerang back on you – then take your argument public on social media. Yes. I know. It may be tempting to want to tell the world what a jerk your partner is being right now.

Just remember, once you do it’s out there for everyone to see – it’s there permanently. Don’t think that because you later decide to delete it from Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter that you’re safe.

Do you really want to take the chance that someone hasn’t taken a screenshot for posting later or to use it in a way that will be embarrassing for you or your partner once the dust is settled? I’m guessing that if you really think about it, not so much. In the end, it will likely make you look as bad, if not worse than your significant other.

Instead, try another tip in this article, and find a trusted friend who will be discreet and who will give you honest and objective feedback – which you may or may not want to hear.

21. Makeup sex is great – except when it isn’t

Sex after a big fight can be simply awesome – assuming that the fight is really over. Having makeup sex when the fight really isn’t over can really do damage. It can feel fake – because it is.

Some partners will try to have makeup sex as a way to resolve the fight. That usually doesn’t work. The unfinished business you had that led to the argument is still going to be there.

It’s much better to acknowledge that things aren’t resolved and if you are still in the heat of battle, having sex is like saying, “Hey, it’s ok if you treated me like crap and hurt my feelings. Let’s have sex and that will make everything go away.” It’s what therapists sometimes refer to as a “fake resolution.”

It is infinitely better to wait until things are resolved and then have makeup sex. Why? Because it’s so much more fulfilling that way because you are now truly free to let go into your passion for each other.

22. Be gracious and accept a sincere apology

Accepting a sincere apology is important to the healing process at the end of an argument. Of course, the operative word is “sincere.”

Here are a couple of points to consider when making or receiving an apology.

Sincere apology. This is when we offer or receive a heartfelt apology. We feel true remorse and take steps to not continue doing what we are apologizing for. A sincere apology comes from a place of love.

Fake apology. A fake apology is just that. It’s that classic apology that really isn’t an apology. It isn’t sincere. Often it is used to prematurely end an argument. The problem is that it doesn’t really resolve anything. It may be that the person is apologizing just to be polite or they feel guilty.

A classic “fake apology” that really isn’t an apology is when the person says, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” as opposed to a sincere apology when the person says, “I want to acknowledge that what I said (or did) has hurt your feelings, and I am so sorry that I did that.”

23. After the fight

Of course, you’re not going to start journaling in the middle of an argument. So many have found it helpful to wait until the initial dust settles a bit, and then put your thoughts about what just happened on paper, or in Notes.

So many of my clients have told me that this is one of the best tips to use after a fight. Writing about what happened helps us to do a deep dive into what triggered the fight, the impact of the fight on yourself and your relationship, and things that you may come up with to help repair the relationship, or make other decisions if needed.

Just remember, you don’t want to be making any major decisions during the fight or in the immediate aftermath unless you are in a domestic violence situation.

Ultimately, writing helps us get some perspective because we are not caught up in the immediate emotions of the moment.

I help couples navigate conflict regularly. You’re not alone. You’re human. If what you are doing has not been working, simply reach out for professional support.

I hope that this article was helpful for you. We all need help throughout our lives, and this may be one of those times. Please feel to reach out. I would be more than happy to offer you a free 15-minute phone consultation to help you navigate through a difficult time.

Having A Baby – Part 4: 12 Tips To Enhance Your Relationship After Your Baby Is Born

August 1, 2017 by Gary Brown Leave a Comment

You’re exhausted, you’re not having sex (that may be the last thing on a new mother’s mind) and emotions vacillate wildly. Is this the blissful time you were expecting?

And what about you, new dad? How is your life changing now that you are a parent? What do you need?

If you’re concerned that you’re not yourself or feeling that maybe you’re drifting apart as a couple, don’t worry. That’s completely normal. The road from coupledom to familytown is a bumpy one…and it’s absolutely worth putting in the effort because the rewards for you and your partner can lead to an incredibly fulfilling life together.

This next part may be difficult to read but I think it’s important to understand that marriages and other long-term relationships are not static. Things change over time. That is certainly true when you go from being a couple to being new parents. Along those lines, the data shows that there’s some bad news and some very good news.

First, the bad news. For around 30 years, researchers have studied relationships, particularly when transitioning from a couple to a family, and the results are conclusive: the relationship can suffer once babies come along. Researchers have found that the rate of the decline in relationship satisfaction is nearly double for parents than for childless couples. That’s the bad news. You might think that this is a bad omen. Not necessarily.

Now for the good news! It turns out that research also shows that as marital satisfaction of new parents declines, the likelihood of them divorcing also declines. This could be a good sign for the marriage in that one or both partners may also be learning to pull it together in the face of the normal challenges that parenthood presents.

What to expect

While bringing home your baby is an exciting time, it is also a time of massive change (and I’m not just talking about the endless diapers!). These changes can include:

Emotional swings that move from elation, deep love and baby bliss to anxiety, frustration, and even the “baby blues” and sometimes full on post-partum depression (these can happen as fast as a rollercoaster — in minutes and throughout the day…hold on! You’ll make it out okay!)
Transitioning into motherhood/fatherhood
Being a couple to being a family
Working to not working (and for how long)
Figuring out what kind of parent are you going to be (Baby wearing? Cloth or disposable diapers? Baby food making or store bought? Breastfeeding or bottle baby? Germaphobe or naturalist?)
Dealing with other people’s reactions whether appropriate or inappropriate
Coping with your and other’s expectations of you and your partner about what you can accomplish in any given hour/day/week
Redefining roles of household chores (laundry, dishes, cooking, diapers, grocery shopping…yeah, someone still has to do that AND now there’s another person in tow)
Your energy level may not be what it used to be. A lack of sleep has a lot to do with it, but hormonal changes, as well as the sheer amount of energy and attention that that little munchkin uses, will astound you.
Financially you may have moved from a two income household to one (even if temporarily) and the diapers and endless baby items have to be paid for somehow!
Due to all of these factors, and others, there may also be changes in sexual desire between the two of you. We’ll talk about that later in this article.

Tips to help you cope and support your relationship

Now that we’ve looked at some of the issues that virtually all new parents encounter, let’s help you get in front of the inevitable bumpy times that normally happen after a baby is born.

Note: I’ve been offering these tips to new parents for over 25 years. They are time-tested and proven tips that my clients, family, and friends continue to say are very helpful in supporting their relationships.

Make a point to connect with each other every day

One of the things I see happen with so many new parents is that they stop making their relationship a priority. I would say that this is the number one reason that marriages fail, whether you have babies or not.

Here’s just one very simple tip that my clients have told me is very helpful. Set the following intention every day…

Simply take a minimum of five minutes to check in with each other. Just five minutes. No electronic devices. Just the two of you, even if one of you is cradling your baby. You may be pleasantly surprised at the outcome if you do this daily. This is in addition to date night!

Ask this question every day

“What can I do to make your day a bit better?” Just the simple act of asking your partner that question will go a long way in sending this simple message: “I love you. I care about you, and I want to do something tangible as an expression of my love for you.”

You can do a lot to help sustain and grow your relationship by asking this simple question.

I see this happen all the time: sometimes one partner may say or do something that they think is supportive, only to find out that it was not well received.

To help out with this, here are two questions that you might want to ask if you’re not sure of what your partner needs:  “What can I do for you that would be helpful?” and “ What would not be helpful for you right now?”

It just takes a moment to ask, but you doing so can make all the difference to your partner.

Be a couple-focused family

When you two are connected and are present to your love (even as tired as you may be), your baby will also know love. Strive to be a couple-focused family, not solely a baby-focused family. Remember that it was your love for each other that brought your baby into the world.

Family law courts are overloaded with marriages that went dead because everything in a relationship was exclusively child-centered.

When your true intention is to keep your partnership and connection a priority, your marriage will be stronger and your children will automatically thrive.

Let go of your need for everything to be perfect

Parenting comes with bliss and stress! Demanding perfection of yourself and others only adds to the stress. Of course, we want to be good parents. Right? Right! But what we don’t want to do is create more stress by the relentless pursuit of something that can’t be attained – perfection. I call this anxiety-driven demand for perfection an “emotional black hole.”

Parenting perfection is a myth. There is no such thing. Ever.

When you strive for perfection, and sometimes without even knowing it, you are likely condemning yourself, your partner, and your children to a situation where they are going to take on what I call “perfection anxiety” and your partner and your kids are likely going to pick up on this – either consciously or unconsciously. Demanding perfection can also lead to bouts of depression. It’s a buzz-kill for you, your relationship, and your children.

I suffered from this earlier on in my life, and to a much lesser degree even today, so I know what the impact can be. Life became so much easier when I swapped out using the word “perfection” for “pursuing excellence.” The idea of pursuing excellence or “doing my very best” took a lot of pressure off. I became much more relaxed.

Practice loving kindness, patience, and grace

This can be a very emotionally sensitive time for both you and your partner. Know each other’s love language. Do you or your partner respond to touch, gifts, quality time, kind words, or acts of service?
Also be aware of things that may trigger negative reactions. It’s going to happen. And when you’re triggered or frustrated say to yourself, “loving kindness, loving kindness” as many times as you need to with deep breaths.

As you focus on your breathing, pay special attention to your exhale. The deeper your exhale the more you will help relieve some of the tension that inevitably and normally comes with parenthood. It’s a mantra that can help calm you, your partner, and your baby.

Express gratitude

This is one of the easiest things to do. Just say, “Thank you for caring for our baby.” “Thank you for bringing our baby into the world.” “I am so grateful that I get to parent our baby with you.” “Baby or not, I am so grateful that you are my life partner.”

It can be these words but it doesn’t have to be these exact words. Find words of appreciation that work for you and your partner.

The expression of gratitude is one of the greatest keys to enduring love and getting more out of life.

Embrace the wisdom of flexibility

It will be important for you to remember that as much as you may plan and have a need to keep your sh*t together with a baby, all that planning at times can just fly out the window.Burps, tears, hunger and diaper changes can come at the most inopportune time. Remember to be flexible. Learn to go with the flow. And have patience with yourself, your partner and your sweet little baby.

Get support and ask for what you need

It’s super important to get the support that you need. This could range from nanny help to a walking group, to new parenting classes. But also make sure that you have a supportive outlet to share (and sometimes cry) about the challenges that you face. You don’t need to go at it alone, and you shouldn’t.

This is also a time to turn up the communication levels and ask for what you need. Do you need your partner to participate more in household chores? Ask. Do you want your mother-in-law to come around less or more? Just ask. Do you need some alone time so that you can take a shower and get out of the house. For goodness sakes, ask!

At the very least this could be a great start to a conversation with your partner about how you’re feeling and dealing with all these new changes.

Don’t assume that your partner should do anything or know anything that is going on between your ears. We always hope that they are mind-readers, but they are not. Get in communication and ask for what you need.

Schedule time

As parents, you’ll be spending lots of time with your baby, but there are other important “meetings” that need to be had. Once you’ve settled in with your new baby – and that could be weeks or months – please find a way to establish a date night. Yes, just the two of you.

Get out of the house without baby (you can do it!) and spend some time alone, looking into each other’s eyes (see the first tip), talk about the parenting experience and how you’re doing. And when you’re not talking, listen. Listen deeply to your partner.

After my wife and I first started going out on date nights, we noticed something. Even when we went out, our conversations often revolved around our children! Haha! That’s ok! The main idea is that you have some time together and nobody has to change diapers, feed the baby, or put the baby to sleep. This is your exclusive couple-focused time!

Make sure you schedule time to discuss the household (and not during date night). Consider the house as your mutual business. Chores and bills still exist. How are you doing managing all this with the new boss baby? Check in with each other. Make requests. See if you need to get additional help in that area.

Also being all-consumed with baby and all these new demands, it’s also important to get some alone time. Getting out of the house by yourself for a little while may even seem like heaven. Make it a priority to do something for yourself, by yourself. Get a massage, mani-pedi, listen to your favorite music, or anything else you enjoy. It’s important to refuel so you can be a better parent and partner. Most importantly, you need to do this for your own self-care.

With all these demands on time, it may be important to say no to invitations from work, friends, and family until you’ve established your groove and the above needs are met. There’s no need to spread yourself too thin. You already have a lack of sleep and newborns (and toddlers) are great excuses to decline. Better for you. Better for your relationship.

Let’s talk about sex

First thing: having a baby, even under the best of circumstances can be stressful at times. This is absolutely normal and is particularly true with your first because all of this is so new. What we know about stress is that it can impact our sex drive.

As a new mother, you may be over the desire for touch after being with a baby all day, you also may be too tired to have sex (still may want sex, but want sleep more), and maybe you just want to cuddle. Wherever you are, talk about it.

As a new dad, it may have been weeks or even month(s) since you’ve had sex. Whether a vaginal delivery or a C-section, your partner’s body has been through a lot. Hormones are striving to find balance in her body. This will be the largest change her body will likely ever go through, so you’re going to need to be patient. Very patient.

So here’s a tip for you to consider (as I’ve been told and have experienced myself) …many women find it sexy to see their partner holding a baby or helping around the house (dishes, laundry, and vacuuming) without being asked.

And remember that there are many ways to be romantic without intercourse.

Bottom line: be patient and kind in this area (see practice loving kindness above). Your intimacy will change, but using the tips above and making it a priority to talk about your needs and desires, will help you both find your way back together.

Laugh whenever you can!

When all else fails – and there will definitely be those times – try to find the humor in the situation. See what you can do to smile or laugh and share that with your partner. Self-deprecating humor is the best. Humor directed at the other person has a tendency to be hurtful. You want to be positive towards your partner!

Remember why you decided to have your baby!

Remember that this baby was, hopefully, created out of the love you feel for each other. That’s a beautiful expression of your love. Celebrate it! Again, be grateful. I believe that if more couples took a moment every day and looked into each other’s eyes and simply said, “Thank you” (with or without a baby), the world would be a better place.

I hope that this article was helpful. Relationship issues after having a baby are very common for just about all couples. It’s normal to experience some conflict after this major life event. If you would like to explore this more, simply contact me for a free 15-minute phone consultation to see if I can answer any of your questions that relate to your specific situation.