• Are You Sexually Compatible?

    Dr. Gary Brown, Counseling in LA, Sexually Compatible

    One of the things I hear questions about from my single clients and couples clients has to do with sexual compatibility. Usually, something going on, or not going on, in the bedroom often triggers the conversation.

    If you are struggling with this, you don’t need to feel alone. Your concerns are certainly not unique and very familiar. It turns out that almost all couples, at various times in their relationship, experience some challenges around sexual compatibility. These struggles can occur at any time: while you’re dating, living together, married, postpartum, and at other stages later on in your life together. Our needs tend to change over time as we grow and develop. So, let’s start with a little background to help frame all of this.

    When choosing a partner, you need to be compatible; no secret there. It doesn’t mean you have to match each other to a “T”, but it is helpful if you agree with each other in at least 80% of the ways that are the most important to each of you. That means, for the most part, you enjoy similar activities, or are at least willing to try new things with/for your partner, you enjoy each other’s company, you have good communication, and you have similar values. All of these things also apply to your sexual compatibility.


    The Importance of Chemistry

    People also ask me about sexual chemistry and if it’s important. The answer is “yes.” It’s important to feel the chemistry too.

    But also understand this: during various periods of time and for a variety of reasons, chemistry can naturally change. If your chemistry is diminished or even lost, in most cases, it can be renewed.


    Change Will Likely Happen for One or Both of You

    The couple you were when you met may be a little different than the one you are now, and will be continuing to change over time. We’re human. It’s in our nature to change. Understanding that key point has helped many of the couples I work with to be patient and has helped them more fully explore and enjoy their sexual life.

    Here are some ideas for you to consider that have helped the vast majority of couples with whom I have worked.


    Get to Know Your Own Sexuality

    The first part of understanding if you’re sexually compatible, is knowing your own sexuality – what you like, don’t like, what you would like to try, and your deal breakers/boundaries (everyone has them!).

    Your sexual preferences are something you either already know about yourself or perhaps something you will learn over time. It can also be ever-changing. The important thing is to know what you are and are not comfortable with when going into a new relationship or exploring an established relationship, these are important things for you to know and certainly for your partner to know.

    Along with this comes, knowing your “Sex Style.” Do you like to have sex a lot versus only once in a while? Do you prefer one position instead of another? Is there something you want to try or would never try?

    Partners with a similar style will naturally have more compatibility in the bedroom.

    Don’t forget that your sexual needs may likely change over time too.


    Don’t Take for Granted That Your Partner Knows What You Want

    What I’m talking about is communication. Not just talking about being able to ask for what you want or need without fear of judgment, but also being able to answer honestly.

    For example, if you don’t feel comfortable telling your partner “no” about something that you’re not comfortable with, you need to figure out why you are uncomfortable. Perhaps you are somewhat shy and not used to sharing intimate thoughts. It could also be that your partner is talking or behaving in a way that makes you feel unsafe. The important thing is to talk about things, even and especially if it is uncomfortable. When you do, you have a much better chance of seeing if you are compatible with your partner. That’s because this is how we build trust in relationships. It requires some risk.

    Are you sexually compatible?

    There could also be things you may not be comfortable with early in the relationship. But as you build that foundation of trust in your relationship, it could be something you’ll be willing to explore in the future.

    Along with this comes, knowing your “Sex Style.” Do you like to have sex a lot versus only once in a while? Do you prefer one position instead of another? Is there something you want to try or would never try?

    Be as open as you possibly can with your communications and letting your partner know your needs and you’ll increase the chances of finding a balance that works for both of you.


    Are You Open to Trying New Things?

    If you are, even if a bit hesitant at first, your willingness to compromise and try new things in other areas of your relationship is another good indicator of sexual capability.

    If you’re both adventurous and open to new things in general, this could be a good sign in the bedroom. This element of compatibility also serves to build trust in your relationship, which will most definitely translate into the bedroom. Notice that trust continues to be an important aspect of your sex life together.

    Which brings us to…


    Devote Time to Your Romantic Life

    Many people think that sex should just be effortless. They erringly believe that when it becomes a chore, then the relationship is over, and the spark is out permanently. Like everything worth having in life, sex requires effort. It doesn’t have to feel routine or boring after time, so long as you can both put in the work to keep it exciting and fulfilling.

    If each of you can trust yourselves and your partner to devoting your energies to your romantic life, you will like so many couples have, that this is the biggest indicator of your sexual compatibility (short term and long term). The more time and attention you pay to your romantic life, the greater your chances of being compatible.

    It could be that over time quality becomes more important than quantity. If this is the case, perhaps you plan more special weekend trips without the kids or other friends. This alone time enables you to make sure you are making time to pay attention to your partner’s needs and making them feel special.


    The Best Way to Be Sexual Is What Works for Both of You

    • If we ask for more sex, then we’re made to feel greedy.
    • If we feel our partner wants too much sex, then we get the “I wish I had that problem” response from friends.
    • If we say the sex is too vanilla, then we are rude.
    • If we say it’s too wild, then we’re told to be more adventurous.

    I am here to tell you, whatever your frequency, whatever your flavor, it’s ok, and I strongly encourage you to honor it!

    It’s easy when the stars align, and you match up with your partner in life outside, and inside, the bedroom. However, this compatibility isn’t always immediate. It takes some courage to explore what works for both of you.


    Change Is Inevitable in The Bedroom

    Also important to note is that relationships go through cycles; not enough sex, too much sex, just the right amount. Realizing this cycle exists can ease the stress of feeling like you don’t please your partner.



    If you’ve read this article and tried some of the tips offered here, and you still aren’t sure or are feeling stuck in some way, you may truly benefit from professional support to help you or you and your partner figure things out.

    I hope that this was article was helpful. If you would like to know more about exploring your sexual compatibility, I invite you to contact me via email or a phone call. You both deserve to have an enjoyable and fulfilling romantic life!

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