Why Physical Touch Is So Important in Relationships

One of the many issues that my clients – and couples in particular – present with are related to the experience of touching and being touched. For a variety of reasons, it seems that we are losing touch (pardon the horrible pun!) with our desire for physical contact.
What I am seeing is that electronic “connection” is actually replacing face-to-face connection, and in the process, we are neglecting our ability and desire to experience physical connection.
Reach out and touch someone wasn’t just a schmaltzy ad campaign in the 80s for AT&T. It’s vital for many of your closer relationships – both romantic and platonic.
Touch is a fundamental human need
Touch is essential for babies’ development for their physical, emotional, and eventually social health. In fact, touch is the first of the five senses to develop. The need for positive touch, the connection, and the reassurance it can bring is literally in our DNA.
“Touch comes before sight, before speech. It is the first language, and the last, and it always tells the truth.”
– Margaret Atwood
We are wired for touch. Want proof? Easy. Take a close look at this picture.
This baby has not been taught that she or he needs touch. In particular, note that this baby has not been taught to touch or hold their mother’s finger…and yet the baby is naturally grasping their parent’s finger. Wasn’t taught. Just naturally wanted the connection through physical touch.
What else have we learned?
We have learned so much about ourselves by studying our closest animal cousins – primates.
Early research on rhesus monkeys that were deprived of actual physical comfort from their mothers gave us a tremendous amount of insight into why touch is so important.
Infant monkeys that had direct contact with their mothers grew up to be friendly, patient, social, happy, and physically healthier than baby monkeys who were provided with indirect sustenance such as bottled milk but no direct physical affection and comfort from their mothers. The second set of babies who were denied physical touch and affection grew up to be isolated, lonely, depressed, withdrawn, unhappy, and in many cases, highly aggressive.
But what about as a functioning adult? Is touch really that important?
You bet! Scientific studies have shown that touch can be decoded as a form of nonverbal communication across a diversity of developed countries. Touch can communicate tenderness, compassion, anger, love, gratitude, happiness, and fear within mere seconds.
It’s true that the need for touch can vary among individuals, couples, families, nations, and cultures. For example, those who live in warmer climates tend to wear less clothing due to the heat. More skin is exposed, and the opportunities for skin-to-skin contact are greater.
This is particularly true for many cultures that are closer to the equator. The opposite is often true for the extreme northern and southern climates that are subject to cooler temperatures. Having said that, the desire for physical connection, in general, is seen as a “universal need.”
Touch can also be influential. Studies have also shown that individuals who have been touched are more likely to agree to participate in mall interviews, slight touches yield bigger tips for waitresses, and bus drivers are more likely to give a passenger a free ride if they touch them while making the request. And what about that unexplained urge to touch a pregnant woman’s belly?! It’s instinctual. We literally want to connect with others, even the unborn!
Researchers have also found that even an abbreviated touch from another person can evoke strong emotional experiences. Think about that slight nudge when being too close to someone on public transportation or the warm hug and kiss on the cheek or forehead as a greeting from someone close to you. Those moments can create positive emotions, memories, or unwanted illicit actions. Our focus here is on the positive benefits, which leads us to the next topic.
Benefits of Positive Touching
For most of us, our primary caregiver at birth was our mother. It’s here that we learn our comfort level for physical contact. There are also cultural explanations. People that grew up in warmer climates (consider the South and Latin countries) tend to be more comfortable with touching than those from colder climates (New England, the UK, and Eastern Europe).
But what about in our more intimate relationships? According to Laura Guerrero, coauthor of Close Encounters: Communication in Relationships, who researches nonverbal and emotional communication at Arizona State University, “We feel more connected to someone if they touch us.”
Just the physical act of a kind and warm touch lowers one’s blood pressure and releases the “love hormone,” oxytocin. And it goes both ways. Those that give hugs for example, also have a similar physiological reaction.
Touching is also a key factor to a lasting relationship. According to married researchers and authors, Dr. Charles & Dr. Elizabeth Schmitz, “To touch someone you love is to acknowledge their presence and to communicate your desire for them.
That’s why the most successfully married couples amongst us do it so often.” They even noted that touch outranks sex in characteristics of a successful marriage. The Schmitz’s believe it’s the “the accumulation of touching” or, as Guerrero asserts, it’s the reciprocity of touch that increases intimacy and relationship satisfaction.
Touch comes in many forms
Affectionate physical touch in relationships includes:
- Cuddling
- Backrubs
- Hand holding
- Hugs
- Foot massage
- Nuzzling
- Stroking hair, side of face, ears
Tips to use physical touch to increase relational intimacy
Note: Only use these tips if this is something that the other person is comfortable with. If you are in doubt about their preferences, simply ask them!
- Hug when your partner comes home.
- When in a low-level disagreement, simply sit facing each other and add some kind of physical contact. (Touch the arm or hold hands) to help connect and potentially diffuse the situation. Note: If this is has become a full-blown argument, attempting to touch during the heat of battle may not work out so well. Wait until emotions are calmer.
- Bury your head on their shoulder. Invite them to do the same if they would like.
- Flirt! – Extended caresses, slight spanking on the backside, tousling your partner’s hair, and caressing their shoulders are fun and easy ways to create more intimacy.
Here’s a simple exercise to help you learn more about touch in your relationship
Practice something called “sensate focus.” It’s simple. Find some time with your partner and experiment with touching them. Ask them to tell you what feels good in terms of where you touch them, as well as how much pressure they like or do not like.
Spend about 5 to 10 minutes doing this exercise. Then switch roles. Now you take the turn of the receiver and give feedback to your partner.
I hope that this brief article has helped you and your partner explore new possibilities to connect both physically and emotionally. Not everyone has the same need for touch. It’s understandable that you may have some questions. I invite you to contact me for a free 15-minute phone consultation. I am more than happy to help you gain some additional perspectives about how to enhance your abilities to enjoy touch and to help you with any blocks you may have about touch. You deserve to feel good!
What Is Your Love Language? | Gary Brown
[…] And it’s not about over-the-top PDA, but a little touchy-feely makes them feel loved and safe. (Be sure to check out my blog on why physical touch is so important in relationships.) […]
How to Get the Fire Burning in Your Relationship Again - Kiley Morrow » AkuduBlog - Bringing The Best
[…] communicates attraction and if you touch a person you love consistently and in the right manner, they’ll begin to respond to you. Since you are in a relationship together, initiating touch shouldn’t be a problem. You used to […]
Sexual Desire Discrepancies and What To Do About It | Gary Brown
[…] Touch often plays a big part in initiation. It creates connection and intimacy that both men and women need. It’s a great way to get present to each other and get each other out of our mental states and into our bodies. […]
A Complete Guide to Solving All Your Relationship Problems - Millennialships
[…] Scientific studies have shown that touch can be decoded as a form of nonverbal communication across a diversity of developed countries. Touch can communicate tenderness, compassion, anger, love, gratitude, happiness and fear within mere seconds. – Dr. Gary Brown Ph.D. […]
How to Know If You’re in Love with Your Best Friend | Gary Brown
[…] when you’ve been together things may have been affectionate and it’s getting you […]
Navigating Fertility: 9 Practical Tips to Help You Cope | Gary Brown
[…] Tenderness can come in many forms: hugs, kisses, snuggling, and just holding hands can help you through all of […]
10 Ways to Say I Love You This Summer | Kath's Blog
[…] waiting in a cue to get your favorite band tickets, make sure you’re holding hands or are physically connected in any other way. The physical contact can promote emotional closeness and strengthen your […]
How to Know If You Are Marrying the Wrong Person
[…] Being affectionate can be an indicator of trust and vulnerability in a close relationship. Affection lets the person you’re giving it to know that you care about them and you are aware and attentive to what they need. […]
12 Signs You Partner Doesn’t Feel the Same Way Anymore – Awareness Act
[…] Physical touch is a huge part of a healthy relationship, ranging from the innocence of hand holding right up to the wild experiences that happen in the bedroom (or outside of it). If he truly has feelings for you, then he’s going to crave this affection as much as you do, moving in to give you a kiss or initiating your latest romp. If, however, you notice that he no longer has an interest in physical contact, this is a sign that something isn’t working. […]
12 Signs You Partner Doesn’t Feel the Same Way Anymore – Blindfold
[…] Physical touch is a huge part of a healthy relationship, ranging from the innocence of hand holding right up to the wild experiences that happen in the bedroom (or outside of it). If he truly has feelings for you, then he’s going to crave this affection as much as you do, moving in to give you a kiss or initiating your latest romp. If, however, you notice that he no longer has an interest in physical contact, this is a sign that something isn’t working. […]
Relationship Development in Schools • With Wellness in Mind
[…] According to Dr. Gary Brown, Ph.D., LMFT, FAPA, “For a variety of reasons, it seems that we are losing touch (pardon the horrible pun!) with our desire for physical contact.” […]
The Free Things In Life Are the Best Things In Life - WhyWeMoney
[…] a relationship. We know that all babies need touch to thrive, but we neglect the fact that touch is necessary throughout life – for health and lasting […]
7 Reasons Why Physical Intimacy Is Necessary For Our Development – Awareness Act
[…] about sex and sexual contact. The truth is that physical intimacy is a much broader category that we are wired to need in our lives. From young babies reaching for the touch of a parent, through to our adult lives – physical […]
Bloccato in una carreggiata relazionale? Hai bisogno di provare un massaggio sensuale ed ecco perché | site-health.com
[…] alla TV o lavorare a letto l'una accanto all'altra non contano! È fin troppo facile " perdere il contatto " con le persone che amiamo. Più spesso che no, quel "tempo di qualità" è preso […]
10 Rules for a Happy Marriage | Doing That Married Life
[…] touch might not be your love language, but it’s still necessary to maintain connections. This article talks about how important touch is in relationships and notes that touch actually outranks sex in […]
Successful Relationships Reading Corner | Phil and Maude
[…] Why Physical Touch Is So Important in Relationships “Scientific studies have shown that touch can be decoded as a form of nonverbal communication across a diversity of developed countries. Touch can communicate tenderness, compassion, anger, love, gratitude, happiness and fear within mere seconds. … We feel more connected to someone if they touch us. Just the physical act of a kind and warm touch lowers one’s blood pressure and releases the ‘love hormone,’ oxytocin.” […]
Immediate Methods In Latin Brides World – NADA LEGAL CONSULTING
[…] Systems In https://garybrowntherapy.com/physical-touch-important-relationships/ – Straightforward Advice Is he irritable, demanding, overbearing, controlling, irrational or […]
Essential Elements For latin brides world – Straightforward Advice – Dra Luthiesca de Freitas – Fisioterapeuta
[…] in that case somebody else will stipulate the house. It’s always just that easy. Programs In https://garybrowntherapy.com/physical-touch-important-relationships/ – Some […]
Good Morning Funny Lookin' | How to Be Romantic First Thing in the AM - iEnglish Status
[…] no secret that physical touch is one of the most important aspects of being human. Therapists have made it very clear that physical contact is vital to healthy emotional […]
The Top 10 Mistakes Online Daters Must Avoid at All Costs - Tab Bytes India
[…] no secret that physical touch is one of the most important aspects of being human. Therapists have made it very clear that physical contact is vital to healthy emotional […]
Good Morning Funny Lookin’ | How to Be Romantic First Thing in the AM - Tab Bytes India
[…] no secret that physical touch is one of the most important aspects of being human. Therapists have made it very clear that physical contact is vital to healthy emotional […]
The Top 10 Mistakes Online Daters Must Avoid at All Costs - iEnglish Status
[…] no secret that physical touch is one of the most important aspects of being human. Therapists have made it very clear that physical contact is vital to healthy emotional […]
What To Do If Your Partner Works Too Much
[…] some hands-on time together and be close. Snuggling, flirting, whatever it takes to reconnect with your partner can […]
Tips for Being "Husband and Wife" When You're Also "Mom and Dad" - The Well and Balanced Mom
[…] affection also strengthens your bond with your spouse, lowers your blood pressure, and releases a hormone called oxytocin, which is also known as the “love […]
Thinking About Sensible Methods For Latinbrides world – Occasus Led
[…] This article definitely will concern itself simply just with unconditional love. Realistic https://garybrowntherapy.com/physical-touch-important-relationships/ Programs – What’s […]
Core Details For Latinbrides World Around The Usa – Tahaeshop Online Market
[…] Methods In https://garybrowntherapy.com/physical-touch-important-relationships/ – The Basics On-line Latin teleshopping lady web services provide various helpful services […]
A Guide To Necessary Details In Latin Brides World site – Shree Geet Law College
[…] To start with and primary, it is essential for your few to totally be aware of their individual variations and parallels when into marital life. You need to know in relation to other’s talents and failings and turn into wanted to these individuals. Curiously, consider that which you’d complete to avoid wasting your valuable marriage when in front of a problem actually begins. The vows that the wife and husband is likely to make can be hugely holy and should not be utilized casually. Simply because you get married fails to mean you won’t ever go through terrible times and trouble, psychological, legitimate, cost effective, religious, or elsewhere not. These kinds of challenges could make and break up being married. They may rip a relationship the element as soon as you are ‘t be genuinely careful or they might make a couple’s marriage greater. Every single day all of us are actually loaded with getting out of highs and traumatic levels, or a lover and husband establishing marriage ought to be available and also to manage and manage all difficulty that comes their way. The Latest On Key Factors For https://garybrowntherapy.com/physical-touch-important-relationships/ […]
3 Reasons Couples Struggle To Stay Intimate - Sex Coaching
[…] https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/infant-touch/ Why Physical Touch Is So Important in Relationships […]
Physical Touch in Marriage: How Holding Hands Could Change Your Relationship - The Healthy Marriage
[…] Why Physical Touch Is So Important in Relationships […]
16 Habits of a Healthy Marriage: Daily Routines that Will Change Your Relationship - The Healthy Marriage
[…] Dr. Charles & Elizabeth Schmitz say: […]
Mommies and Love Languages | Philippines Mommy Family Blog
[…] Gary Brown, Why Physical Touch Is So Important In Relationships, July […]
7 Relationship Conversations for the Next COVID Challenges
[…] short, do you find that you are hungry for physical connection? Can you get it from the people that you are living with? Be sure to express what you would like to […]
Can Our Relationship Work If We've Never Met? - Long Distance Hearts
[…] But a relationship—any relationship—needs that physical aspect. Dr. Gary Brown sees physical touch as a “fundamental human need”. […]
How to Solve Relationship Problems - A Complete Guide - Love All Life
[…] Scientific studies have shown that touch can be decoded as a form of nonverbal communication across a diversity of developed countries. Touch can communicate tenderness, compassion, anger, love, gratitude, happiness and fear within mere seconds. – Dr. Gary Brown Ph.D. […]
A long-distance relationship | how to know if it’s right for you
[…] truth is, physical touch is a fundamental part of any […]
What Are The Most Important Things In A Marriage? - The Healthy Marriage
[…] (Source) […]
15 Clear-Cut Signs He Doesn't Want a Relationship with you - Love Connection
[…] get me wrong, it’s important to have a strong physical connection as well as an emotional one. But, if the physical connection is all your relationship consists of, […]
Healthy relationship habits for lasting love in your 30's - Jenny's Life Logic
[…] Physical touch lowers blood pressure and releases oxytocin – a hormone associated with empathy, trust, social bonding and sexual activity – many of the key things a romantic relationship requires (8). […]